A little about me :D

Seriously I'm doing too much thinking lately... :D

I mentioned a little in previous postings how my friendships are... yes the trees :D I really like this comparison because as long as the tree needs to grow I need to get attached to people :D Slowly, learning, getting to know their preferences, likes, dislikes etc. A friend told me it took us a year to get more personal and talk things that weren't related only to our common interests.

I had an argument with another friend in the past because I didn't know her that well yet and understood her jokes as picking on or trying to humiliate me... later I learned that this is only her way to show appreciation and love.

When I speak to new people, I am riggid and I try to be careful with words, I can't open up and show what lies beneath my face or deep in my chest. That doesn't go only for online friendships, I'm always like this... silently sitting among other people, listening, receiving informations about them... sometimes I speak up and I get this feeling I said something stupid and rather stay silent next time or think twice or thrice before opening my mouth...

I have it tough to look into people's eyes, I try to fix that but it is still a bit awkward as it sometimes make me nervous that even if I tried to say something I long forgot what that was... Similar is with personal space... when someone is too close to me, I am riggid and my chest feels tight... god knows why but am dealing with it :D All of this changes when I get to know the person better, I suddenly don't mind saying stupid stuff, looking at them or being touchy or close.

My problem in online friendships (as many others probably have as well) is that you can't see the other person's face, expressions. That sounds weird for someone who can't look at others... but there is at least the sound, the tone and intonation, the high or low voice which isn't there in virtual world... That is why I often find myself overthinking, overreacting etc. Like the second friend example up there...

Another problem of mine with online or real life friends is that once I get close with someone I tend to be clingy... If we don't talk often I get sad and thinks it is something that I did... I tend to contact people often and makes me feel like clingy person who can't let go of the other's hand even if I hold on only on their pinky finger... But I do admit I sometimes push people away because I am scared to fully let them see beyond the face that I'm showing. Even if I am invited out I have it tough to go...

Sometimes I'm too forgiving, I blindly believe people... I was hurt before that way but I never learn... this stupid donkey goes on the ice over and over again... Sometimes I'm too good but sometimes I feel like crap thinking Did you have to do this? Can't you think at least how the other would feel...

I'm very critical towards myself... I have many flaws and maybe that is why I take my time but some people in the mean time move on already...

Lastly I'll share the story my mom told me other day (first time I heard it):

"In kindergarten the teacher often chased you out of the classroom." 

haha was I that bad? Continuing...

"She went outside with you so that the other kids would clean up the toys after themselves etc. because you often did it instead of them." 

So even then I wanted to please everyone...

-- Anny