Lately~

Haven't wrote about myself lately because I didn't feel like writing about it... It wasn't all that great, the moody days and negative thoughts all around me (still are a bit) and because I know others have bigger problems than mine so it didn't feel right to blabber about myself. Especially on FB or anywhere else. Since I am tiny better now about that and since this is where I can blabber as I wish, it might be okay to put out the heaviness.


Lately I'm in this phase again, it didn't appear for a while, but it is back and I am trying to chase it away with good thoughts. It more or less started with group conversation with my ex classmates when I noticed that my negativity is back and I may see things unclearly and simply negatively. It isn't that important what we talked about but okay it was for another friend's surprise. That day what I wrote, it felt like my opinions don't matter. What I wrote was overruled by other three and I had to give in and felt like they didn't give it much thought about what I said. I felt invisible and so made myself as well by not speaking up much, I postponed reading what they wrote and later read through. I couldn't fall asleep that night because my mind kept running and thinking and I just wanted to tell them they should go there and I'll go some other day. Luckily I restrained and they don't know about what I felt, as I said I overthing things when I'm in such moods...

The night passed and Thursday came. Sure in morning I was bit better as I slept it through as I usually do. Helping out in the library was good too. In the evening I was supposed to meet ex-coworkers for theatre and I had bunch of time before it (from 4 till 8 or so). I wanted to meet some people before it and immediatelly thought of this one friend I usually meet up, wrote her. Then I thought I might look through my contacts and maybe ask someone else too... And my mood was slightly back because I thought no one would want to meet. I think too lowly of myself at such times or don't believe they would actually say: yes, let's meet up. That friend I wrote to luckily saved my day as we decided to meet up and it was somehow healing when we met. I had to eat so she was with me then we went to store to buy something to drink and some snacks then made ourselves comfortable at a bench by Ljubljanica. Sitting with crossed legs facing each other with snacks between us was really nice as it is easier to have conversation than normally sitting :P It felt nice talking to her, also relieving some thoughts (not like I am doing it here but a lil). She said I can always call her out again if she will have the time or also said I can sleep over if I need it.
The heaviness I felt was slowly fading and I went to the theatre where I would meet ex-coworkers as the play was at 20:00. But when I came there it immediately was weird as the building was too empty... I didn't really bother much but when I went to show my ticket I had from before they said the play started at 19:30. Sure they let me in but said to sit at nearest chair so I went back to the closest chair. Our actual row was first one and I saw all were there... couldn't they have called?! If they saw I was nowhere close to the start of the play (I was then still with friend)... Two knew I would come as I spoke to the same day... My heaviness was back but I let it go by enjoying the play, ignoring the feelings in me... But I did wonder what should I do: be mad and when the play ends just leave without saying anything or pretend to be okay and greet them. I did the second and they greeted me warmly though I am unsure if that was honest or not... Still stuck with the fact that no one bothered to make a single call... or write message...

Friday and Saturday were more or less busy for that friend's surprise. We had fun and again it didn't seem much going on about my worries of being left out... All in my head probably... Today I thought I could relax a little, do my own stuff so I can completely chase away this nasty negative emotions that no one cares or wants to or that I'm not worth the try and so on... No, we get visits again today and I guess I won't do much again... wanted to finish the book I am reading since ages and am close to finishing it... wanted to write because that makes me enter different world I can forget of my own bad thoughts... The good news I got today is that sister will take me to 3 days vacation to Croatia next week :D So am looking forward to that and need to get myself together. Fighting!

What I seriously need to learn: when people ask you how are you, don't always say: I'm fine.