Confession

The other day I talked with my ex-classmate and told her I have so many disadvantages as a person, she seemed surprised to hear it and told me to rather see the good sides of me and not only faults and defects because many aren't even true. I was told this before and how right all of these people are but I keep falling into these dark phases and mostly not accepting myself as I am and on top of that trying not to show it. One day I can't bear it anymore and it simply explodes, I do bad things and many pieces hit other innocent people...

The purpose of this post is to show my friends that I really regret my past mistakes I did towards them this year. I'm not writing this for understanding or making myself into victim again and we talked it over a lot already. I'm writing for three other friends to whom I told bad things about the first ones (talked untrue things behind their backs etc). I want to make it clear that they aren't bad people or did wrong to me. I won't tell names of these friends, mostly didn't say it with names either. As for you three, I sent this post link directly to you, so you get a bit broader picture. I know I told you about this a bit before but is right that I gather it all in one post. 

You three know something went wrong soon after new year, right? And you know it was about some friends of mine and you know how I spoke about them right? I told mean and untrue things that they don't understand me, attack me, make me feel like a useless and bad person.
But I wish to make it clear now, it wasn't them... It was me, my feelings, my unreasonable thoughts and doubts in them, overthinking, maybe lack of trust in them and mostly lack of trust in myself.
Back then I felt insecure, good for nothing, couldn't say good things to make my close friends feel better in tough times etc. I had a disagreement with them, felt not understood and accepted, took their words too serious, as attack on me and I impulsively attacked back. I then disappeared from social media. I didn't post anything, I wanted piece and calm to make myself feel better (which made it even worse). I ignored them when they tried to reach me, talk to me or apologize to me. I blocked it all and didn't give them a chance. You three all know that, with some I had shorter and with one longer talks about this. But when you just read all this, isn't that all that comes from inside of me and not them? I made them into bad people. Back then, it felt good to have someone on my side and to be understood. I craved for nice words, encouragement. You all gave me that but that or nothing else doesn't excuse me from doing bad to people I considered friends. It was things I made up or imagined as being the reality. They aren't like that! 

More to the story of past months. As I said, part of me wished to be alone, to be at peace and have it easy. I was sick and tired of explaining myself and crying every day over my own incapability. On the other hand I wavered, I wanted to return to my friends. I missed the fun times but always postponed and waited and was anxious. I had a time when I became a bit active again and silly me hoped it would be okay. That was one small time when I became a bit positive but it didn't last long. I backed away again and once again hurt my friends with this behavior. I gave off feelings that I don't want them as friends or that they aren't needed, a nuisance and still bad people. 

Isn't that exactly what I in first place wanted to get from them? How happy I get when I know people care for me or give me the feeling I am wanted and respected... I completely forgot that and good times I had with them. It was really unfair...

On top of that, at that time, one of your three, reacted really angry and badly towards one of them who only tried to ask about me, cared and worried. You were on my side and I liked it, I was blind to the fact that we hurt my friend. I didn't tell you what to write her but I encouraged you before it with my behavior and when you showed me what you wrote her, I didn't do anything. I didn't defend her, a good friend who usually thinks of her friends before herself! I should have stopped us and my stupid behavior... right then. I should have known that words you wrote about my friend weren't true because she is always caring and thoughtful. I was completely blind and stubborn.

I tell you something now that you didn't know before. You nearly got sued at court for your words to her back then. I learned of it only recently and that is why I suddenly wrote you more seriously and didn't want to let go of the topic which made you angry and upset right. I wished to talk it through with you. For a moment you attacked me as well and it hurt to hear such things from you. In the past you yourself said we can talk about anything so why can't we talk about the problem that is between us now? I don't want to be a friend who is around for amusement only. I'm here, waiting for you to fight for me. Yes I am awkward, there is a bit of something broken between us. But you know, those other friends I talked bad to you about, they taught me how to fight for my friends even through tough times. If it weren't for them, the old me would have let go of you already.

How they taught me that? I hurt them, I was bad, but they accepted me well when I returned. It must have been tough for them, maybe still is. Would you want such a friend as me back if I did something like this to you? Or any other friend would? My guess is: not many would do it because it usually is easier to let go. I had thoughts why would they even want me now. When I feel down I still get a bit of that feeling but I push it away. I have/had restrains to blend in again and act normal. I understand it is tough for them from many points.

I want to fix things and change myself because I believe that the way I am now will always cause misunderstandings and bad energy. I want to be a better person and most of all a better friend, to everyone.

W - two worlds (korean drama)

Kang Chul (Lee Jong Suk), golden medalist in shooting, one day loses his whole family and becomes the only suspect. After a year in prison he decides to dedicate everything to find his family's killer. Years later he is millionaire who owns television station to solve crimes. He doesn't know that there is someone somewhere who wants him dead. When he almost dies, mysterious Oh Yeon Joo (Han Hyo Joo) saves him but later disappears. He tries to find her. 

Oh Yeon Joo's father is nationally known webtoon writer who became famous with his story W and one day mysteriously disappears. Oh Yeon Joo, in seeking of her father, learns of W's ending - Kang Chul's death. Suddenly a bloody hand appears and pulls her inside the story. That is how she meets Kang Chul, main character and saves his life. 

This is how two worlds started to intertwine, showing the unpredictable story of W towards the last episode.

My rating: ☆☆☆☆ (4/5)
OST is also really nice!

Mirror of the witch (korean drama)

The royal family is entangled with manipulative shamaness and her black magic. The queen who can't have children gives birth to cursed twins. The twins would lose anyone they love or loves them and would die at the age of 17. If by any chance they survive, their life would be filled with pain and suffering. To prevent the worst, the prince is saved while princess is left to die in holy fires. 

Instead of dying the princess Yeon He (Kim Sae Ron) is raised up in the middle of the forest, her "father" prohibiting her from leaving her house which is surrounded by talismans to restrain the curse. She lived in loneliness, knowing only her "parents" and brother. Close to her 17th birthday a man Heo Jun (Yoon Si Yoon), surprisingly finds her hideout and later gets entangled with events surrounding her. He unconditionally helps her on the quest to break the curse. 

My rating: ☆☆☆ (3/5)

Bad clouds will be chased away

Some friends asked me yesterday about my moody mood. It was only a bit, I tried hard not to get to me too much. Thinking of it from good perspective or not thinking about it at all while doing other things, made it all better. Regarding reasons, there is this main culprit. 

Dear diary

4. 11. 2016

Dear diary, 

it has been a while, right? How have you been? I have been good and healthy since my last accident with the nail and the stupid satelite hanging around my head. Today I'm writing to you because I want to brag about how handsome I am. I always am, right? But today Anny has decided and washed me up. It has been a while. She says doggies aren't supposed to be washed too often but it is amazing when it's done. 

Actually I used to be scared of the water. Well, I still am a bit but Anny makes it so that I have no fears any more. I still remember our times when we argued to go to the bath. I glued to my bed and Anny called me to come to the bathroom. I remember the next phase when we both sat by the bath and looked at that yummy cookie waiting for me on the other end. I was so tempted but didn't dare to go in. You want to know how it is now?

Friend, the great legacy (korean movie)

Sung Hoon (Kim Woo Bin) lived with his mother, surrounded by her gangster friends, never knowing his father. Due to environment he becomes a gangster himself and sooner or later gets arrested. 

In prison he meets Joon Seok (Yu Oh Seong) who used to be gangster leader and is in prison for the past 17 years. Sung Hoon is sheltered due to his mother's request to Joon Seok, who used to be her friend. The younger feels the other man is the only one who understands him. 

When Joon Seok is released, he tries to regain his position, fighting against current gang leader. Once Sung Hoon is released as well, the two join together. Sung Hoon later learns that Joon Seok had a part in his father's death.

My rating: ☆☆ (2/5)

Candles

Today's main theme is candles in general and candles as in light/warmth bringers. Do you like to light candles? I certainly am one of those who like to do it. I have those little ones at home and especially in autumn and winter I light them. Not only my room smells a bit nicer, it is also a pleasant sight to look at when the little fire dances around or the beautiful golden shadows it creates in the dark. 

My mother lit 60 of her candles yesterday. I'm joking, the number 60 would be a bit... tough right. We bought two candles with number 6 and 0. I am not sure if mom would be able to blow all 60 if we were to try it out. It was more than okay. Luckily the problems with the gifts for her were also nicely solved. Dad and I bought her a big tablet computer (I stole her previous one) so she has bigger screen. She mainly uses it for games but is a lot more fun if she sees it better right? I also told her how she can read books, where to get them etc. so she might try it out. But slowly, bit by bit. One sister as I said before sent her to the seaside few months ago. Second plans to buy her a pan that works similar as oven as well. Can make pizza in it etc. if she uses it as closed. As open it can be a pan + bbq. Lovely. As for dad's stepsister and her husband, they bought her a dryer for the fruit, vegetables etc. Today we are testing it already. Pealed some apples and one persimon, cut it into slices now it will dry for about 5 hours on 55 degrees. We will see :) 

Technology spending

"In this day and age, if I don't have a printer at home, it is like I'm missing my left arm. Sure, I don't use it every day or often but when I do, I really need it. I wish when those times come that it works properly like it should."

Well that was my problem for quite a while now. I have a printer at home but when I needed it, it didn't work. Of course the inks dried up... I think the head of it is also messy... Repair or cleaning would cost plus he served his time long enough. I had enough of spending time wondering what is wrong or why at last try it didn't even recognize the inks... That's it!

I said to mom many times that I want to buy a new one. She was usually the one against it. But now I calculated my finances and once I was sure I can, I decided to buy new one, this time laser one.

Uncontrollably fond (korean drama)

Shin Joon Young (Kim Woo Bin) in the past lived with his single mother wishing to become prosecutor like his father who didn't even know of his existence. He liked a girl No Eul (Bae Suzy) but always teased her, making her, who liked him as well, weary, never really taking him serious.

Things change after No Eul's father hit-and-run accident. While she pursues the truth, Joon Young realizes it is his father who changed the case. Being the loyal son to his father, he tries to steal the evidence from No Eul and almost causes her death. Full of regrets he quits his wish to become a prosecutor while No Eul, together with her younger brother, disappears.

In present time, the two meet again, both still not over each other. No Eul became producer and wants Joon Young, now worldwide known actor and singer, to participate in a meaningful documentary about life. What, she doesn't know is that he recently learned that he doesn't have much time left to live and wants to fully use that time for her sake.

My rating: ☆☆☆ (3/5)

The week

Past week

I was in theatre (remember that free ticket? :D). Me, two ex-coworkers and a woman who reads books in our library (who invited us all). It was unemployed people meeting haha We realized it when we met that we all don't have jobs. It felt nice to have this one similarity. Whole day in capital was long actually (friend bailed on me...). But it was fun as well, me, myself and I :D I bought two shoes because all old ones leaked water in... About the show, it was really funny. Mono-comedy of a woman who played 4 characters in an hour and half. She was amazing. We got the front row because of the two boys who don't see well and at the end we gave her a bouquet of flowers as a thanks. She seemed happy :)

I made two new small version of notebooks. Both have green stripped pages inside (recycling paper), pretty endpapers and again fabric wrapped covers. The green one gave me a little bit extra work because I didn't want to have only plain green covers. I played around to create something that looks a lot better.

I discovered new music that sounds inspiring and positive. May it be due to drama but, it is really nice listening to it. It is group New Empire, it lovely brightens up my long playlist I have on when I do this and that. :D It is fresh.
There is also small dedication in the song below to my friends. Big hug to all who needs it.

Next week

On Sunday, my mother turns 60 years old. Responsibility of the daughter that lives with her: what does mom need. :D It is always tough knowing what the other person needs when she has practically all she needs and it can't be something it would be practical for both of us. Me, my sisters and dad brainstormed for ideas. One of the sisters was lucky, she sent her to the seaside for a few days in the summer but she helped with ideas as well. When I asked mom if she needs something, of course that is even tougher to say, at such times nothing comes to mind. In the end we managed to find something she would like using :)

On her day, we will go have lunch in a restaurant, family gathering. Well, not all family due to bad relations. She didn't invite her mother or siblings... I think mom wants to enjoy her day and not think of the past. I told her she is doing right. I wish she has good time and if inviting them wouldn't allow that then don't invite them... They never even remember to call for her birthdays so why inviting... I'm really strict with people who don't treat nicely my loved ones... Plus there is the past... she doesn't need bad memories on her day.

On Saturday, a day before that, I have another theatre planned. It is my yearly ticket for 4 shows and first one will be played this weekend. I will meet some other ex-coworkers I haven't seen in a while and some new people I don't know yet. I'm sure it will be fun as usually :D

"Ara-Ken"

It is fun when new fandoms made me take a peek back to the old fandom. Few years ago I used to watch this japanese variety VS Arashi because of Arashi (j-pop group). Now I looked it up because of a Yamazaki Kento, japanese actor. I went to take peeks at the variety again but only episodes where he appeared. It was funny feeling but it made me a little bit "homesick" as well. Made me think of the times when all that mattered were the 5 dorks. After I more or less left them alone, things changed a lot. I also miss some people I frequently talked to back then but barely or don't get in contact now. Makes me think if it was only because we liked the same thing... I'm glad some stayed *hug*

International white cane day

I'm sure people more or less know what a white cane is, but I know also people who have still no idea, sadly. White cane is practically eyes for someone who doesn't see. It doesn't need to be completely blind person that gets it, it can be also a person who has low vision. Even my mother has it (doesn't use it though) and it is useful because those that do know what it means, they behave differently, make space, stop the car etc. 

I'm listening to radio while writing this. "Life with white cane", almost an hour long segment dedicated to international white cane day aired yesterday and is now available online. The segment is divided in five parts. First segment is about guide dogs, their friendship and how the blind people rely on them, what is allowed and what not. Second is interview with a blind girl who used to be my coworker at the library for blind and is now living in GB. Third segment is that blindness can't be excuse for something. Story about an actress who doesn't see. Fourth is about software for blind and partially sighted. This segment is interview with a different ex-coworker of mine. He talks about software they use, braille line, text-to-voice, smart phones etc. Last segment is about employment of blind and partially sighted people. It is interesting to listen.

Here I would like to mention deafblindness as well. We all for sure heard about Hellen Keller who didn't see nor hear. This week we had a small group of people for a visit in our library. I couldn't help but watch them and be somehow amazed. I'm used to blind people, didn't really come in contact with deaf people so I also don't know sign language (should put it on my bucket list, same as braille). The introduction of library was done by my colleague and beside her stood a "translator" for sign language for those that still saw well enough but couldn't hear. What amazed me were the "couples" who held hands and through hands made the sign language or wrote on hands. One "couple" was a deaf woman who saw still well to see the sign language of translator and then through hands like walkie talkie "told" the man what was said. Just wow. Really something to see and it made me think for a while.

Love what you have, you may think it isn't much but compared to other people, you're rich.

Unforgettable / Pure love (korean movie)

Bum Sil (Park Yong Woo) works for the radio broadcasting station. One day, a letter arrives to the program. The letter was written by Soo Ok (Kim Soo Hyun) from 23 years ago, Bum Sil's old friend and first love. The letter not only reminds him of the past but also three other friends who also listen to his radio show. 

The story switches to 23 years ago. Bum Sil (EXO's D.O.), Soo Ok and three others are good friends, have fun, enjoy every day together. Soo Ok has defected legs and can't walk properly so the other four always make sure to have good time, take her to places, Bum Sil usually the one to carry her around. The new doctor in village brings good news for her, she could get operation which would fix her problem. Happy she wouldn't have to bother others anymore, to go out when they aren't around and be free. Sadly, future happenings are what none of them can forget even in their adulthood.

The story of undying friendship, coming of age, broken dreams and unspoken feelings. 

My rating: ☆☆☆☆ (4/5) (so many tears T__T)

Season change

If not long ago, we still enjoyed walking outside in short sleeves, it has come again. The time of red noses, cold cheeks and burning ears. For me it came the time when I wake up with sore throat too so the time to be careful as well. I wear thick jacket already, bought it the other day and really enjoy in its warmth. I put fingerless gloves inside my bag in case I need them and am thinking of taking a hat with me as well but it might be too soon for that, am using hoodie for now. Mom and I wonder how I'll go through winter since I'm this cold already, sometimes my feet don't want to warm up :P And it is not even minus degrees... I plan to buy new shoes too, need something good for the winter. Something that doesn't let water in... :P

Talking about shoes, my baby Skoda will change her shooes on Saturday. She will also get her oil change and check up after a year and registration. Bye bye money :P 

The 100 (american series)

97 years ago nuclear apocalypse made Earth inhabitable. Last survivors of mankind lived in space until they were slowly running out of time to survive as well. Thus they picked 100 teenager deliquents and sent them to the ground to explore if the ground is survivable. Arriving down there, back "home", they face the struggles to survive on this unfamiliar place, somewhere they never stepped foot on, somewhere they could only imagine. On top of that they struggle with dangers from the people that stayed on the ground and survived one way or another through the past 97 years. 

The secrets, the mysteries... The meaning of Earth. The meaning to be human. What is right and what is wrong. The loss, the fight, comrades... Making a new world. Making a home. War and peace. Many many interesting themes mixing together. 

I just finished season three and felt like making a short post about it. It is really great series!

Me before you (american-british movie)

Lou Clark, with her weird sense of fashion, bright smile and positive attitude loses her job. Without having any experiance in nursing, she applies to take care of Will Traynor. Will lived his life to the fullest but is now paralyzed man who has no will to live like this. With the new nurse many things change. Will looks brighter, opens up a bit more and changes Lou's life in many ways. But can she change his own decisions?

My rating: ☆☆☆☆ (4/5) 
T__T

Quote: 
"You have to widen your horizons Clark. You only get one life. And it is actually your duty to live it as fully as possible."

Deadpool (american movie)

Wade Wilson's finally happy life somersaulted when he was diagnosed with cancer. After hearing he could be saved, he took part in an experiment that would make him better but bring out the super powers in him. Sadly, the side effects were worse than he thought. 

Now, Deadpool is a superhero... no he is not. He is anything but that. Sure he has super powers, wears tight colorful clothes and is chasing bad guys. He is a killer, chatterbox with dark sense of humor, bad attitude and is on a revenge quest. 

My rating: ☆☆☆☆ (4/5)

Girls having a great time

Did you ever laugh so hard that you wanted to stop because your mouth started to hurt? Mine did last night but I never wanted the evening or even laugh to end. Anny went out with her friends for a movie. Girl's time!!

We went to see Bridget Jones' baby. The movie was really amusing, we had a lot of fun watching it. Even before and after the movie, it was great friends time. We gotta do this more often, I think I really need it sometimes, to not care and just have fun. Or the last hour when we just sat in the car and had long talks, more serious, not anymore like we used to before. 

There were many trailers for the new movies as well or we saw what else runs in the cinema. We simply started planning what else we want to see together, I hope we really do go as soon as possible :) My proposal was The girl on train because I just finished the book yesterday as well and it is a lovely psychological thriller. I wonder about the movie now. And after the book was finished? Now I'll look for Noa boat rofl some adventure. After it? It is a bit of secret ;)

Wolf girl and black prince (japanese movie)

Shinohara Erika, after entering high school, to fit in a clique, creates a lie. Her friends all had boyfriends and talked mainly about them. Erika, not having a boyfriend didn't want to be left alone, so she lied about having one. Her lie worked for a while until her friends wanted to see at least his picture because even they started doubting her a little. 

Suddenly one day she sees a handsome boy and before thinking much, she takes a picture of him and runs away. She shows the picture to her friends who recognize the boy as Sata Kyouya who goes to the same school. Feeling desperate she asks him to be her fake boyfriend. She never imagined he would agree but what he asks in exchange...

My rating: ☆☆☆ (3/5)

The two of us~

Anny took a free day. Two reasons? One is to have a little bit of break from "work". I have this selfish thought that I should be away a little so they realize they need me :P Silly me. The other reason is enjoying some time on my own. Mom isn't home so I'm spending time with Max and enjoying the silence. Sometimes I really need it. 

In the morning before mom left, she opened my room's door to let the kiddo inside (otherwise he would whine before my door). She put his blanket on my bed but sooner or later that wouldn't be useful, he crawled underneath my blanket and snuggled to me. Later he, after long time, curled on my lap, Anny enjoying his warmth. The days are gettiing colder, even he knows it, loving to nap under the blankets. It is lovely day, just the two of us.

Max's ears got itchy again these days. He would shake his head so wildly, I hope it isn't inflamation again. Yesterday we had a fight because of it. I wished to look at it and clean his ears in case it is dirty again. He didn't really like it but the most persistant one wins as usually, Anny :) His ears seem clean but I still washed them a bit then gave him the drops to the one that hurt the most. Today is a lot better, we will check them up later again. Mom said yesterday we won't have a dog after Max is gone. Too much worries all the time, the nails, the ears, the butt lol But I know, we love him too much and are too sensible over smallest things. Plus he is our little whiney :)