Confession

The other day I talked with my ex-classmate and told her I have so many disadvantages as a person, she seemed surprised to hear it and told me to rather see the good sides of me and not only faults and defects because many aren't even true. I was told this before and how right all of these people are but I keep falling into these dark phases and mostly not accepting myself as I am and on top of that trying not to show it. One day I can't bear it anymore and it simply explodes, I do bad things and many pieces hit other innocent people...

The purpose of this post is to show my friends that I really regret my past mistakes I did towards them this year. I'm not writing this for understanding or making myself into victim again and we talked it over a lot already. I'm writing for three other friends to whom I told bad things about the first ones (talked untrue things behind their backs etc). I want to make it clear that they aren't bad people or did wrong to me. I won't tell names of these friends, mostly didn't say it with names either. As for you three, I sent this post link directly to you, so you get a bit broader picture. I know I told you about this a bit before but is right that I gather it all in one post. 

You three know something went wrong soon after new year, right? And you know it was about some friends of mine and you know how I spoke about them right? I told mean and untrue things that they don't understand me, attack me, make me feel like a useless and bad person.
But I wish to make it clear now, it wasn't them... It was me, my feelings, my unreasonable thoughts and doubts in them, overthinking, maybe lack of trust in them and mostly lack of trust in myself.
Back then I felt insecure, good for nothing, couldn't say good things to make my close friends feel better in tough times etc. I had a disagreement with them, felt not understood and accepted, took their words too serious, as attack on me and I impulsively attacked back. I then disappeared from social media. I didn't post anything, I wanted piece and calm to make myself feel better (which made it even worse). I ignored them when they tried to reach me, talk to me or apologize to me. I blocked it all and didn't give them a chance. You three all know that, with some I had shorter and with one longer talks about this. But when you just read all this, isn't that all that comes from inside of me and not them? I made them into bad people. Back then, it felt good to have someone on my side and to be understood. I craved for nice words, encouragement. You all gave me that but that or nothing else doesn't excuse me from doing bad to people I considered friends. It was things I made up or imagined as being the reality. They aren't like that! 

More to the story of past months. As I said, part of me wished to be alone, to be at peace and have it easy. I was sick and tired of explaining myself and crying every day over my own incapability. On the other hand I wavered, I wanted to return to my friends. I missed the fun times but always postponed and waited and was anxious. I had a time when I became a bit active again and silly me hoped it would be okay. That was one small time when I became a bit positive but it didn't last long. I backed away again and once again hurt my friends with this behavior. I gave off feelings that I don't want them as friends or that they aren't needed, a nuisance and still bad people. 

Isn't that exactly what I in first place wanted to get from them? How happy I get when I know people care for me or give me the feeling I am wanted and respected... I completely forgot that and good times I had with them. It was really unfair...

On top of that, at that time, one of your three, reacted really angry and badly towards one of them who only tried to ask about me, cared and worried. You were on my side and I liked it, I was blind to the fact that we hurt my friend. I didn't tell you what to write her but I encouraged you before it with my behavior and when you showed me what you wrote her, I didn't do anything. I didn't defend her, a good friend who usually thinks of her friends before herself! I should have stopped us and my stupid behavior... right then. I should have known that words you wrote about my friend weren't true because she is always caring and thoughtful. I was completely blind and stubborn.

I tell you something now that you didn't know before. You nearly got sued at court for your words to her back then. I learned of it only recently and that is why I suddenly wrote you more seriously and didn't want to let go of the topic which made you angry and upset right. I wished to talk it through with you. For a moment you attacked me as well and it hurt to hear such things from you. In the past you yourself said we can talk about anything so why can't we talk about the problem that is between us now? I don't want to be a friend who is around for amusement only. I'm here, waiting for you to fight for me. Yes I am awkward, there is a bit of something broken between us. But you know, those other friends I talked bad to you about, they taught me how to fight for my friends even through tough times. If it weren't for them, the old me would have let go of you already.

How they taught me that? I hurt them, I was bad, but they accepted me well when I returned. It must have been tough for them, maybe still is. Would you want such a friend as me back if I did something like this to you? Or any other friend would? My guess is: not many would do it because it usually is easier to let go. I had thoughts why would they even want me now. When I feel down I still get a bit of that feeling but I push it away. I have/had restrains to blend in again and act normal. I understand it is tough for them from many points.

I want to fix things and change myself because I believe that the way I am now will always cause misunderstandings and bad energy. I want to be a better person and most of all a better friend, to everyone.

W - two worlds (korean drama)

Kang Chul (Lee Jong Suk), golden medalist in shooting, one day loses his whole family and becomes the only suspect. After a year in prison he decides to dedicate everything to find his family's killer. Years later he is millionaire who owns television station to solve crimes. He doesn't know that there is someone somewhere who wants him dead. When he almost dies, mysterious Oh Yeon Joo (Han Hyo Joo) saves him but later disappears. He tries to find her. 

Oh Yeon Joo's father is nationally known webtoon writer who became famous with his story W and one day mysteriously disappears. Oh Yeon Joo, in seeking of her father, learns of W's ending - Kang Chul's death. Suddenly a bloody hand appears and pulls her inside the story. That is how she meets Kang Chul, main character and saves his life. 

This is how two worlds started to intertwine, showing the unpredictable story of W towards the last episode.

My rating: ☆☆☆☆ (4/5)
OST is also really nice!

Mirror of the witch (korean drama)

The royal family is entangled with manipulative shamaness and her black magic. The queen who can't have children gives birth to cursed twins. The twins would lose anyone they love or loves them and would die at the age of 17. If by any chance they survive, their life would be filled with pain and suffering. To prevent the worst, the prince is saved while princess is left to die in holy fires. 

Instead of dying the princess Yeon He (Kim Sae Ron) is raised up in the middle of the forest, her "father" prohibiting her from leaving her house which is surrounded by talismans to restrain the curse. She lived in loneliness, knowing only her "parents" and brother. Close to her 17th birthday a man Heo Jun (Yoon Si Yoon), surprisingly finds her hideout and later gets entangled with events surrounding her. He unconditionally helps her on the quest to break the curse. 

My rating: ☆☆☆ (3/5)

Bad clouds will be chased away

Some friends asked me yesterday about my moody mood. It was only a bit, I tried hard not to get to me too much. Thinking of it from good perspective or not thinking about it at all while doing other things, made it all better. Regarding reasons, there is this main culprit. 

Dear diary

4. 11. 2016

Dear diary, 

it has been a while, right? How have you been? I have been good and healthy since my last accident with the nail and the stupid satelite hanging around my head. Today I'm writing to you because I want to brag about how handsome I am. I always am, right? But today Anny has decided and washed me up. It has been a while. She says doggies aren't supposed to be washed too often but it is amazing when it's done. 

Actually I used to be scared of the water. Well, I still am a bit but Anny makes it so that I have no fears any more. I still remember our times when we argued to go to the bath. I glued to my bed and Anny called me to come to the bathroom. I remember the next phase when we both sat by the bath and looked at that yummy cookie waiting for me on the other end. I was so tempted but didn't dare to go in. You want to know how it is now?

Friend, the great legacy (korean movie)

Sung Hoon (Kim Woo Bin) lived with his mother, surrounded by her gangster friends, never knowing his father. Due to environment he becomes a gangster himself and sooner or later gets arrested. 

In prison he meets Joon Seok (Yu Oh Seong) who used to be gangster leader and is in prison for the past 17 years. Sung Hoon is sheltered due to his mother's request to Joon Seok, who used to be her friend. The younger feels the other man is the only one who understands him. 

When Joon Seok is released, he tries to regain his position, fighting against current gang leader. Once Sung Hoon is released as well, the two join together. Sung Hoon later learns that Joon Seok had a part in his father's death.

My rating: ☆☆ (2/5)

Candles

Today's main theme is candles in general and candles as in light/warmth bringers. Do you like to light candles? I certainly am one of those who like to do it. I have those little ones at home and especially in autumn and winter I light them. Not only my room smells a bit nicer, it is also a pleasant sight to look at when the little fire dances around or the beautiful golden shadows it creates in the dark. 

My mother lit 60 of her candles yesterday. I'm joking, the number 60 would be a bit... tough right. We bought two candles with number 6 and 0. I am not sure if mom would be able to blow all 60 if we were to try it out. It was more than okay. Luckily the problems with the gifts for her were also nicely solved. Dad and I bought her a big tablet computer (I stole her previous one) so she has bigger screen. She mainly uses it for games but is a lot more fun if she sees it better right? I also told her how she can read books, where to get them etc. so she might try it out. But slowly, bit by bit. One sister as I said before sent her to the seaside few months ago. Second plans to buy her a pan that works similar as oven as well. Can make pizza in it etc. if she uses it as closed. As open it can be a pan + bbq. Lovely. As for dad's stepsister and her husband, they bought her a dryer for the fruit, vegetables etc. Today we are testing it already. Pealed some apples and one persimon, cut it into slices now it will dry for about 5 hours on 55 degrees. We will see :) 

Technology spending

"In this day and age, if I don't have a printer at home, it is like I'm missing my left arm. Sure, I don't use it every day or often but when I do, I really need it. I wish when those times come that it works properly like it should."

Well that was my problem for quite a while now. I have a printer at home but when I needed it, it didn't work. Of course the inks dried up... I think the head of it is also messy... Repair or cleaning would cost plus he served his time long enough. I had enough of spending time wondering what is wrong or why at last try it didn't even recognize the inks... That's it!

I said to mom many times that I want to buy a new one. She was usually the one against it. But now I calculated my finances and once I was sure I can, I decided to buy new one, this time laser one.

Uncontrollably fond (korean drama)

Shin Joon Young (Kim Woo Bin) in the past lived with his single mother wishing to become prosecutor like his father who didn't even know of his existence. He liked a girl No Eul (Bae Suzy) but always teased her, making her, who liked him as well, weary, never really taking him serious.

Things change after No Eul's father hit-and-run accident. While she pursues the truth, Joon Young realizes it is his father who changed the case. Being the loyal son to his father, he tries to steal the evidence from No Eul and almost causes her death. Full of regrets he quits his wish to become a prosecutor while No Eul, together with her younger brother, disappears.

In present time, the two meet again, both still not over each other. No Eul became producer and wants Joon Young, now worldwide known actor and singer, to participate in a meaningful documentary about life. What, she doesn't know is that he recently learned that he doesn't have much time left to live and wants to fully use that time for her sake.

My rating: ☆☆☆ (3/5)

The week

Past week

I was in theatre (remember that free ticket? :D). Me, two ex-coworkers and a woman who reads books in our library (who invited us all). It was unemployed people meeting haha We realized it when we met that we all don't have jobs. It felt nice to have this one similarity. Whole day in capital was long actually (friend bailed on me...). But it was fun as well, me, myself and I :D I bought two shoes because all old ones leaked water in... About the show, it was really funny. Mono-comedy of a woman who played 4 characters in an hour and half. She was amazing. We got the front row because of the two boys who don't see well and at the end we gave her a bouquet of flowers as a thanks. She seemed happy :)

I made two new small version of notebooks. Both have green stripped pages inside (recycling paper), pretty endpapers and again fabric wrapped covers. The green one gave me a little bit extra work because I didn't want to have only plain green covers. I played around to create something that looks a lot better.

I discovered new music that sounds inspiring and positive. May it be due to drama but, it is really nice listening to it. It is group New Empire, it lovely brightens up my long playlist I have on when I do this and that. :D It is fresh.
There is also small dedication in the song below to my friends. Big hug to all who needs it.

Next week

On Sunday, my mother turns 60 years old. Responsibility of the daughter that lives with her: what does mom need. :D It is always tough knowing what the other person needs when she has practically all she needs and it can't be something it would be practical for both of us. Me, my sisters and dad brainstormed for ideas. One of the sisters was lucky, she sent her to the seaside for a few days in the summer but she helped with ideas as well. When I asked mom if she needs something, of course that is even tougher to say, at such times nothing comes to mind. In the end we managed to find something she would like using :)

On her day, we will go have lunch in a restaurant, family gathering. Well, not all family due to bad relations. She didn't invite her mother or siblings... I think mom wants to enjoy her day and not think of the past. I told her she is doing right. I wish she has good time and if inviting them wouldn't allow that then don't invite them... They never even remember to call for her birthdays so why inviting... I'm really strict with people who don't treat nicely my loved ones... Plus there is the past... she doesn't need bad memories on her day.

On Saturday, a day before that, I have another theatre planned. It is my yearly ticket for 4 shows and first one will be played this weekend. I will meet some other ex-coworkers I haven't seen in a while and some new people I don't know yet. I'm sure it will be fun as usually :D