Confession

The other day I talked with my ex-classmate and told her I have so many disadvantages as a person, she seemed surprised to hear it and told me to rather see the good sides of me and not only faults and defects because many aren't even true. I was told this before and how right all of these people are but I keep falling into these dark phases and mostly not accepting myself as I am and on top of that trying not to show it. One day I can't bear it anymore and it simply explodes, I do bad things and many pieces hit other innocent people...

The purpose of this post is to show my friends that I really regret my past mistakes I did towards them this year. I'm not writing this for understanding or making myself into victim again and we talked it over a lot already. I'm writing for three other friends to whom I told bad things about the first ones (talked untrue things behind their backs etc). I want to make it clear that they aren't bad people or did wrong to me. I won't tell names of these friends, mostly didn't say it with names either. As for you three, I sent this post link directly to you, so you get a bit broader picture. I know I told you about this a bit before but is right that I gather it all in one post. 

You three know something went wrong soon after new year, right? And you know it was about some friends of mine and you know how I spoke about them right? I told mean and untrue things that they don't understand me, attack me, make me feel like a useless and bad person.
But I wish to make it clear now, it wasn't them... It was me, my feelings, my unreasonable thoughts and doubts in them, overthinking, maybe lack of trust in them and mostly lack of trust in myself.
Back then I felt insecure, good for nothing, couldn't say good things to make my close friends feel better in tough times etc. I had a disagreement with them, felt not understood and accepted, took their words too serious, as attack on me and I impulsively attacked back. I then disappeared from social media. I didn't post anything, I wanted piece and calm to make myself feel better (which made it even worse). I ignored them when they tried to reach me, talk to me or apologize to me. I blocked it all and didn't give them a chance. You three all know that, with some I had shorter and with one longer talks about this. But when you just read all this, isn't that all that comes from inside of me and not them? I made them into bad people. Back then, it felt good to have someone on my side and to be understood. I craved for nice words, encouragement. You all gave me that but that or nothing else doesn't excuse me from doing bad to people I considered friends. It was things I made up or imagined as being the reality. They aren't like that! 

More to the story of past months. As I said, part of me wished to be alone, to be at peace and have it easy. I was sick and tired of explaining myself and crying every day over my own incapability. On the other hand I wavered, I wanted to return to my friends. I missed the fun times but always postponed and waited and was anxious. I had a time when I became a bit active again and silly me hoped it would be okay. That was one small time when I became a bit positive but it didn't last long. I backed away again and once again hurt my friends with this behavior. I gave off feelings that I don't want them as friends or that they aren't needed, a nuisance and still bad people. 

Isn't that exactly what I in first place wanted to get from them? How happy I get when I know people care for me or give me the feeling I am wanted and respected... I completely forgot that and good times I had with them. It was really unfair...

On top of that, at that time, one of your three, reacted really angry and badly towards one of them who only tried to ask about me, cared and worried. You were on my side and I liked it, I was blind to the fact that we hurt my friend. I didn't tell you what to write her but I encouraged you before it with my behavior and when you showed me what you wrote her, I didn't do anything. I didn't defend her, a good friend who usually thinks of her friends before herself! I should have stopped us and my stupid behavior... right then. I should have known that words you wrote about my friend weren't true because she is always caring and thoughtful. I was completely blind and stubborn.

I tell you something now that you didn't know before. You nearly got sued at court for your words to her back then. I learned of it only recently and that is why I suddenly wrote you more seriously and didn't want to let go of the topic which made you angry and upset right. I wished to talk it through with you. For a moment you attacked me as well and it hurt to hear such things from you. In the past you yourself said we can talk about anything so why can't we talk about the problem that is between us now? I don't want to be a friend who is around for amusement only. I'm here, waiting for you to fight for me. Yes I am awkward, there is a bit of something broken between us. But you know, those other friends I talked bad to you about, they taught me how to fight for my friends even through tough times. If it weren't for them, the old me would have let go of you already.

How they taught me that? I hurt them, I was bad, but they accepted me well when I returned. It must have been tough for them, maybe still is. Would you want such a friend as me back if I did something like this to you? Or any other friend would? My guess is: not many would do it because it usually is easier to let go. I had thoughts why would they even want me now. When I feel down I still get a bit of that feeling but I push it away. I have/had restrains to blend in again and act normal. I understand it is tough for them from many points.

I want to fix things and change myself because I believe that the way I am now will always cause misunderstandings and bad energy. I want to be a better person and most of all a better friend, to everyone.